I have a confession to make and I’ve gone back and forth about whether or not to write about it because I’m not proud of this. However, I’m taking a deep breath and going for it because I think that it’s important to acknowledge these things.
During the first trimester as I started to gain weight but wasn’t yet obviously pregnant I found myself struggling with the thought that people might think I was *gasp* fat. As someone who has always had a small body I have lived a life rich in thin privilege. Despite my support of HAES and firm belief that people should not be judged by their weight I realized that I wasn’t comfortable extending this mindset to my own body. My body is small, my body has always been small, and therefore, my body should remain small. It’s great for other people to accept their own larger bodies but I, I am ashamed to admit, am not willing to accept that my own body could be anything other than small.
When I would go running at the local indoor track, as my clothes became a little tighter around my belly, I imagined people thinking “good for her, trying to lose weight”. I also imagined people who knew me thinking “looks like she’s not running as much these days”. or passing other judgements on my physique. I was pissed at these people for judging my body. I wanted to wear a sign to tell the world that my imperceptible weight gain was due to the fetus growing inside of me, not because I’m incapable of taming my unruly body. And then I was ashamed and disappointed in myself for not extending the courtesy of body acceptance to my own body as it changed. I was also ashamed because this was how I envisioned others thinking about strangers bodies. Do people really pass these judgements on each other? On themselves? Why did I care what people were (or weren’t) thinking about my body? How have I allowed so much of my identity to be tied to my size? And how self-absorbed of me to presume that others are spending any time judging my body – given the number of people who expressed surprise upon learning I was pregnant when I thought it was pretty obvious people are not nearly as attuned to my body as I imagined.
As my belly grew and it became more obvious that it contained a tiny human and not just one too many cheeseburgers I became physically less comfortable but mentally more comfortable. People started to compliment me on my “adorable bump”. It feels good to have an acceptable larger body but I’m still carrying that extra guilt around too. It’s not right that women in larger bodies should be shamed while I’m praised for my belly. I truly have no more control over the shape and size of my “bump” as this fetus grows inside me than I have over my height or the size of my feet.
I truly believe that we do people, particularly women, a disservice by not talking more about how our bodies change over time. It’s as though we all expect to reach a certain size and then remain there permanently. This is not realistic. Our sizes and shapes changes over time for myriad reasons. This is part of being a human in possession of a body. Some people may remain a similar size and shape for decades while others will evolve by the season (winterspeck anyone?). This is all natural.
As I previously wrote, women don’t need to “get their bodies back” after pregnancy. Our bodies have not gone anywhere, they have simply adapted to meet current demands. My new philosophy (during pregnancy and postpartum): my body is going to be the size it wants and needs to be right now.